long story short. i am monotonous.
i come from a family filled with high expectations and morals that i will never, ever meet. i am surrounded by 'friends' who only associate with me for the pure reason that i supply them with pathetic humor for hours on end and the simple fact that i make them feel more confident in themselves. i crave the attention more than anything, because it's the only other form of physical adoration that i receive other than from my boyfriend- who, i believe, has no idea what he's in for. and will one day 'drop me like a hot tamale' because he will soon realise what he got himself into and will wish and hope for every single second of his prodigious life back. i wish he knew just how much i look up to him. how much of an inspiration he is to me. he, has literally changed my life.
i feel like a fish. stuck in a little glass bowl, only getting fed when the owner thinks it's necessary. parents buy 'me' for their kids, so they can somehow help their child to egress out of the 'imaginary friend' phase, that, in turn the child will learn to hide from their parents. over the years, the child will turn to that imaginary friend in the back of their mind for comfort and security when every ounce of supposed 'constructive criticism' gets flown at them like a squash ball. while this poor little, estranged and isolated fish is left with no one but it's own reflection for company. it spends all day, every day of it's godforsaken life looking at its own reflection thinking about what could have been. more than a hollow corpse filled with decade old spider webs and maggots. but no, it is nothing more than the balloon headed fool that it is.
we have no control over life, everything happens for a reason- i get that. but there has to be some way to twart destiny. there has to be a way to interfere with our life journey. to make it the way we want it, not the way it has already been planned. to cheat death, to feel immortal. that's what i want. i want to be more than what i am. because what i am, is nothing. i understand and accept that- to a degree. i just don't think it's fair. why should i have to feel unworthy of everything positive and prodigious that i receive within life. like i'm vile and invaluable. that isn't fair. life isn't fair. human's aren't fair.
i know i'm lazy, and come across as someone who must show no appreciation for anything or anyone that i cross passes with, but i have only become that person because you all made me believe that is the kind of person i have to become to get by in this shit whole. so yes, i am blaming this on you. because growing up, as a child and during adolescences we have no idea who we are. we become nothing more than a walking mosaic. chips of tiles of everyone we have ever met. anything we have ever loved. anything we have ever hated. that is who we are. nothing more, nothing less. no one is in the slightest an individual.
i wish i could find the slightest glimpse of confidence within myself. it doesn't reside anywhere. trust me, i've looked. and for the slightest second that i think i may have found some- within 3 minutes it comes crashing down, yet again. just like that feeling of enduring through your first hail storm alone- scared shitless. that very first shot of straight vodka that burns your throat and eyes, but you know you want more because underneath the short, sharp pain, comes the drunk. the uncontrollable, amazingly happy (for a moment or two) self. the drunk self that helps to forget every worry in the world, just only for an hour or so. or that feeling you get when you get caught cheating on a test by the teacher. you didn't even know she was standing behind you, and as soon as you hear her voice- your heart, within a matter of seconds shoots straight up into your throat. short gasps for air, that feel like your last because your heart is pounding so god-damn hard, that there is hardly any room what so every for the slightest amount of oxygen to pass through. you just can't seem to get rid of it. that is exactly what it feels like to have everything you build up in yourself come crashing down right in front of you. but instead of just a few seconds of this ghastly, unbearable feeling, it last's your entire life.
to know that you are nothing more than a failure, a mistake, worthless and invaluable to everything within life makes you feel literally, like a piece of shit. and i absolutely love it.
i come from a family filled with high expectations and morals that i will never, ever meet. i am surrounded by 'friends' who only associate with me for the pure reason that i supply them with pathetic humor for hours on end and the simple fact that i make them feel more confident in themselves. i crave the attention more than anything, because it's the only other form of physical adoration that i receive other than from my boyfriend- who, i believe, has no idea what he's in for. and will one day 'drop me like a hot tamale' because he will soon realise what he got himself into and will wish and hope for every single second of his prodigious life back. i wish he knew just how much i look up to him. how much of an inspiration he is to me. he, has literally changed my life.
i feel like a fish. stuck in a little glass bowl, only getting fed when the owner thinks it's necessary. parents buy 'me' for their kids, so they can somehow help their child to egress out of the 'imaginary friend' phase, that, in turn the child will learn to hide from their parents. over the years, the child will turn to that imaginary friend in the back of their mind for comfort and security when every ounce of supposed 'constructive criticism' gets flown at them like a squash ball. while this poor little, estranged and isolated fish is left with no one but it's own reflection for company. it spends all day, every day of it's godforsaken life looking at its own reflection thinking about what could have been. more than a hollow corpse filled with decade old spider webs and maggots. but no, it is nothing more than the balloon headed fool that it is.
we have no control over life, everything happens for a reason- i get that. but there has to be some way to twart destiny. there has to be a way to interfere with our life journey. to make it the way we want it, not the way it has already been planned. to cheat death, to feel immortal. that's what i want. i want to be more than what i am. because what i am, is nothing. i understand and accept that- to a degree. i just don't think it's fair. why should i have to feel unworthy of everything positive and prodigious that i receive within life. like i'm vile and invaluable. that isn't fair. life isn't fair. human's aren't fair.
i know i'm lazy, and come across as someone who must show no appreciation for anything or anyone that i cross passes with, but i have only become that person because you all made me believe that is the kind of person i have to become to get by in this shit whole. so yes, i am blaming this on you. because growing up, as a child and during adolescences we have no idea who we are. we become nothing more than a walking mosaic. chips of tiles of everyone we have ever met. anything we have ever loved. anything we have ever hated. that is who we are. nothing more, nothing less. no one is in the slightest an individual.
i wish i could find the slightest glimpse of confidence within myself. it doesn't reside anywhere. trust me, i've looked. and for the slightest second that i think i may have found some- within 3 minutes it comes crashing down, yet again. just like that feeling of enduring through your first hail storm alone- scared shitless. that very first shot of straight vodka that burns your throat and eyes, but you know you want more because underneath the short, sharp pain, comes the drunk. the uncontrollable, amazingly happy (for a moment or two) self. the drunk self that helps to forget every worry in the world, just only for an hour or so. or that feeling you get when you get caught cheating on a test by the teacher. you didn't even know she was standing behind you, and as soon as you hear her voice- your heart, within a matter of seconds shoots straight up into your throat. short gasps for air, that feel like your last because your heart is pounding so god-damn hard, that there is hardly any room what so every for the slightest amount of oxygen to pass through. you just can't seem to get rid of it. that is exactly what it feels like to have everything you build up in yourself come crashing down right in front of you. but instead of just a few seconds of this ghastly, unbearable feeling, it last's your entire life.
to know that you are nothing more than a failure, a mistake, worthless and invaluable to everything within life makes you feel literally, like a piece of shit. and i absolutely love it.
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