#45

i'm tired of a life made of repetition.
i want something new. something spontaneous. something intriguing to happen to me.
i'm tired of constantly feeling like i need to change who i am, and the way i live my life to suit anothers.
i'm tired of having that continuous gut feeling that i know i will never, ever be the person i know i can be.
there's so much holding me back, i'm holding myself back.

to know that you're nothing more than the scum at the bottom of the never ending cycle, makes you feel even more like shit.
because while you're waiting for your 'perfect window of opportunity', i have missed thousands of my own.
why? because im so fucking reliant on others happiness to posses my own.

i wish i was independent.
i wish i could be able to make drastic changes, and stick to my word.
-able to not worry so much about how fucked up society is, and more on the fact that noone else is going to help me, but me.
because its true, and you fucking know it.
i want to be able to be somewhat in the slightest an individual.
with my own thoughts, my own walk, my own talk.
my own way of living, my own life.
instead, i am molded by every love and every hate i have been able to exhibit over the last seventeen and a half years of living.

ugh, i know this is nothing but ramble but i just need to write something, i need to get this out.

i hate who i am. i hate everything i stand for, because in my eyes- it means nothing.
because relevant of what people say, one single person taking a stand for something does jack-fucking-shit.

for fucks sake- get me out of here.