#1

If you are reading this then I must apologize. I have been trying to think what the proper words to write here would be to explain myself to you, but the truth is, not even I know myself well enough to even begin to inform you of the messed up entity that is I. Chances are you won't understand, I don't care anymore. I don't understand people. I'd like to think that I look at things in a different way most of the time. I have become an exact replica of everything I hate. If you push things I will run in the opposing direction. I'm probably more effort than I'm worth. For all my thinking I am not one step closer to clarity. I get jumbled and confused, I don’t make sense of sarcasm at times. Confidence doesn't lie anywhere in my mind, heart, or soul. I'm awkward and soft spoken. I have the habit of saying things that don’t make a whole lot of sense to anyone but myself. I hate how most people only show one face, no one ever gets the whole diamond. You should never judge its book by its cover, there's probably a 85% chance that your wrong. I have inconsistent opinions. I'm ironic and contradicting, but if you manage to get past that I'm really quite simple. I am every spelling and punctuation mistake you read here. I am how you see me, how you feel me, how you forget me. I'm always fretting about being a disappointment to my friends and family, about being a hypocrite and how my teenage 'know it all' phase will probably get me a life times worth of school detentions. So I'm trying to avoid those things as much as possible in order to make this year one of the most amazing years yet. I can be crude at times. I will embarrass you in public, that's guaranteed. If you're articulate, or impress me with your intelligence, I'll think your amazing and won't leave you alone; you've been warned. I have no respect for others who have no morals, and for those who never look for the real importance in the little things that happen around us in life. I feel more emotion than i express. Everything has a meaning, a reason for being here. Everything happens for a reason, our fate is written within the stars. We just have to play connect the dots. After people meet me in person, they usually don't continue talking me, I'm probably the furthest thing from the impression you have of me right now. I’ll be shy when I first meet you, but after I feel more comfortable, you'll want to get rid of me. I get nervous over everything, and that’s not an understatement. Sometimes I find it hard to express exactly what I’m feeling, other times I find it easy. I can cry so easily that sometimes I don't know why I’m crying. I'm probably one of the most spoilt people I know. If I ask for something, I'll probably get it. It doesn't mean I'm rich, or snobby or whatever. It just means that I have the most amazing parents, and family in the world. They sacrifice so much, I hope that one day I can be a just as good as parent as they are for me. And the best part about all this, is that I'm actually able to admit that I am all of these things without feeling bad in any way. This is who I am, and I'm never going to change. No matter how much you want me to. An old friend and I used to stay up late most nights just talking about our dreams and aspirations, He once said to me; 'In 300 years time your name will be forgotten, your memories obsolete, you and I are both just ants in the nest. We must all do something great to live on. Hero's are remembered, Legends never die.' and it’s true. I don't want to be like everyone else, even though I know I already am. I don't want to be a crowd follower, or a trend 'stealer' I just want to be me, and hopefully make a big enough impact on someone on my journey to be remembered for something I did, or something I said that really truly meant something to them, but when I take a step back and look at myself from another beings perspective, all I see is a mosaic face custom-built by all the friends and family I have around me. I am a firm believer in day dreaming, in depth lyrics and novels as it is as important as reality, and fighting for what you believe in is a must. Pick up the encyclopedia, and read up about some of your heroes, I highly doubt that they lived their life sitting on their arses tapping away at their computers, or playing video games. They were out exploring the world, exploring themselves. They found something, a problem, even invented something new and worked for hours on end till they knew that it was going to be something good. Something even people in future years could make use of. I enjoy long, isolated drives through the middle of nowhere with my closest friends, music blaring, full volume. I can't wait to find out who I really am. hsdfsdlgs, I'm Bianca and I suggest you don‘t assume anything.