i have a canon, but i suck at photography.
i have a sewing machine, which i know i'll let get dusty.
i have a piano, and a guitar, but don't know how to play.
i have canvas, paints and brushes, but have no artistic flare what so ever.
i have tonnes of books, but never read.
i have a wardrobe full of clothes, that i never wear.
i have a basketball ring and a 10" trampoline, that i never play with.
i have soccer boots, ball and shin pads, that i never use, cause i gave up soccer.
i am surrounded by things i have given up, or just never actually pursued.
2010 is going to be different. i'm going to push myself to do things i wouldn't normally do.
im not going to put myself down anymore, and never stop trying until i succeed.
yep, i can feel it. it's going to be great.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
#109
i don't know where i would be without this- thesaurus.reference.com/
now you know where i get my smartness from, you caught meee.
now you know where i get my smartness from, you caught meee.
#108
i love the feeling of not knowing whats going to happen next.
or where to go, or what to do.
i like getting truly lost within the moment.
it's quite fascinating, and captivating.
shall we indulge in the moment together, my dear?
or where to go, or what to do.
i like getting truly lost within the moment.
it's quite fascinating, and captivating.
shall we indulge in the moment together, my dear?
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Saturday, December 26, 2009
#105
i guess the purpose of life is to simply be in the right place, at the right time.
and that's it.
Friday, December 25, 2009
#104
you know what really grinds my gears, is girls who do their eye shadow right up to their fucking eyebrows.
it's EYE shadow, not 'whole-eye-including-rest-of-the-face-shadow.'
gosh.
it's EYE shadow, not 'whole-eye-including-rest-of-the-face-shadow.'
gosh.
#103
Christmas used to be so much more than just spending shit loads of money and gifts.
it was about just spending quality time together as family and friends, and giving thanks for what we have, not what we want and pray that we get it from 'santa'.
Christmas is to simply celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, nothing more. nothing less.
it has become such a commercialized circumstance that the true meaning has been abolished.
i mean, i do like buying gifts and stuff for people, but Christmas is meant to be more of a religious thing than anything else, and all religions usually celebrate Christmas on this day, even if you're not part of a religion. so if you're not part of a religion, no offense, but what does Christmas even mean to you?
-it's a load of shit. and it annoys the crap out of me.
it was about just spending quality time together as family and friends, and giving thanks for what we have, not what we want and pray that we get it from 'santa'.
Christmas is to simply celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, nothing more. nothing less.
it has become such a commercialized circumstance that the true meaning has been abolished.
i mean, i do like buying gifts and stuff for people, but Christmas is meant to be more of a religious thing than anything else, and all religions usually celebrate Christmas on this day, even if you're not part of a religion. so if you're not part of a religion, no offense, but what does Christmas even mean to you?
-it's a load of shit. and it annoys the crap out of me.
#102
THINGS I LOVE:
1. Waking up in a good mood.
2. Rediscovering things that remind you of old times.
3. Butter and Nutella toast w/ Golden Circle Oj.
4. My Great Grandparents.
5. Daydreaming.
6. Personal jokes.
7. Cheap, good-tasting fast food.
8. Girlosophy books.
9. Watching the clouds go by.
10. Getting mail.
11. Friends and family.
12. Knowing what path I want to take in life.
13. Achieving something you’ve been working at for a really long time.
14. Not being a girly girl.
15. Being a girly girl.
16. Unintentional flirting.
17. My favourite bands.
18. Finding money in the pockets of clothing.
19. Being able to drive.
20. Being trusted.
21. Going through the car wash just so I can watch the water trickle down the window.
22. Accents.
23. People who are truly unique.
24. Anything to do with comedy.
25. Warm fuzzys.
26. Keep-safe’s.
27. Making a difference.
28. Reading my horoscope everyday.
29. Finding that one amazing song that can somehow seem to relate to you at that exact moment in your life.
30. Never capturing Kodak moments, but keeping the memory.
31. My parents, and siblings.
32. The cold side of the pillow.
33. Finding the perfect outfit
34. Pop rock with soft drinks.
35. Perfect weathered days.
36. Being understood.
37. Wii.
38. When everything feels perfect.
39. The view from the top of Mt. Lofty.
40. Instantly getting along with people.
41. My iphone.
42. Vintage stuff.
43. Capturing the perfect photo.
44. Live gigs.
45. Laughing, and talking to myself.
46. Intelligent, articulate people.
47. Having the last say.
48. My dog, Pepper.
49. Karma.
50. Cuddles.
51. The thrill of rollercoasters.
52. Getting butterflies.
53. Smiling for no particular reason.
54. Hello’s from complete strangers.
55. Candles.
56. My best friends.
57. Coffee dates.
58. Really creative, and inspiring artwork.
59. Early morning texts.
60. Alone time.
61. Non-judgemental people.
62. Going out of my way to know that my friends are happy.
63. Any episode of FRIENDS, Flight of the Conchords, Mighty Boosh, Scrubs, or That 70’s Show.
64. The 90’s.
65. Being a senior at school.
66. Traveling.
67. Surprises.
68. Change.
69. Making tents out of sheets, and having picnics with my brother.
70. Coca cola flavoured chuppa chups.
71. Movie nights.
72. Scents that make your nose tickle.
73. Nintendo ds.
74. Nintendo 64.
75. Watching skaters.
76. Boys that can play guitar.
77. Honey tea on cold mornings.
78. Getting an A for something in school.
79. Early morning coffee conversations with mum.
80. Knowing that I’m cared about.
81. My mums home-made pastina when im feeling unwell.
82. Awkward moments.
83. OCD's.
84. Flash backs.
85. Youtube, Myspace, Google.
86. God, Jesus.
87. Good actors/actress'.
88. Walking, when it suddenly starts to rain.
89. Cute old people.
90. My bed.
91. Being true to myself.
92. People that have strong beliefs and morals.
93. Family outtings.
94. Chicken cave.
95. My top friends.
96. Not caring with others think.
97. 11:11, and other times with the same digits.
98. Poets and poems.
99. Dreams that seem real.
100.The way you can make funny noises with virtually any part of your body.
101. Falling asleep upside down on my bed.
102. Getting a whiff of someone’s sweet smelling perfume.
103. My car.
104. Playing music so loud that you can place your hand on your chest, and feel the vibrations.
105. Writing.
106. The little white lines that come up when you scratch your leg or arm.
107. Eating ice all the time.
108. Walking places.
109. Temple massages.
110. Visiting cemeteries.
111. Pure Pearl Revlon nail polish.
112. Compliments from strangers.
113. Long country drives.
114. Being the only person awake in the house.
115. Collecting things.
116. Feng Shui.
117. Music in general.
118. History.
119. The Japanese culture.
120. Spontaneous decisions.
121. Laughing fits.
122. How competitive my family gets when we play board games, and spoons.
123. Knowing that you made the right decision.
124. Saving my own money for something I really want.
125. Local artists.
126. Adelaide.
127. Laying on the trampoline on nice weathered days, reminiscing over old memories.
128. Karaoke.
129. People with really good facial bone structures.
130. Writing, and finding little messages to friends.
131. Drives with Elly.
132. The way Chloe and I never have awkward moments.
133. Laying in the arms of someone you know who cares about you.
134. Bath bombs.
135. Bike rides down the lake.
136. The feeling you get when you go fishing, really early in the morning.
137. Watching my two younger siblings grow up.
138. Noticing similarities of myself in others.
139. My heroes.
140. The fact that it is physically impossible for me to become a vegetarian in my household.
141. Singing a song, when someone else joins in.
142. Protrusive collarbones.
143. Falling asleep at school.
144. Spinny desk chairs.
145. The static that’s caused when you first turn on the television, makes your hair all clingy to the screen.
146. Ringgy ears, trying to listen to the ring to hear different sounds within it.
147. ‘Zooming out’, when you’re staring/concentrating on something for a long time and your eyes go all weird and everything looks like its all spaced out and stuff.
148. The smell of the water in the water bottles at the hair dressers.
149. To do lists.
150. Lurking.
151. Loooooooong drives with friends.
152. The little things about my family i take for granted, eg;
153. My Nonnos weekly attemps at weight loss.
154. The little things my mum does that we don't even realise.
155. My dads pathetic, yet hilarious humor.
156. Never being able to win an argument with my Nonno.
157. And everything else! etc etc etc.
158. Fresh sheets on my bed.
159. The constant need to nap.
160. When i fall asleep with my makeup on, and in the morning it's comes out looking really good.
161. Having the perfect life.
162. Clean skin, Straight teeth.
163. Watching inspiring movies.
164. Always making plans with Allyica and never actually going through with them.
165. Guitar hero comps.
166. Remembering lyrics or dance moves to a song from the 90's.
167. Waking up and not feeling tired.
168. The urge to dance when you hear a good song.
169. The fact it's impossible to find a non-sexual metaphor.
170. The sound when you open up a bottle of soft drink.
171. Playing copy cat.
172. Wii nights with friends.
173. Being emotionally connected with friends and family.
174. Inspiration.
175. Falling asleep while someones talking to you.
176. The fact that Jack Newlyn is petrified of snakes and balloons.
177. Keeping everything.
178. Mr Zammit and Miss Babic.
179. Going to any extend to make my friends smile.
180. Always being cold.
181. Continuous forehead kisses when I feel sick.
182. Honesty and trust.
183. How my hair always naturally goes ranga brown.
184. New/clean sheets.
185. Gooseprickle moments.
186. Not being able to say words properly.
187. When Elly randomly comes down.
188. The fact that I am actaully always sick.
189. SAY ANYTHING- the band.
190. Religion in general.
191. Blues, Jazz music.
192. 'What if..?' moments.
193. Wondering what authors, artists were thinking/going through when they created a song/piece of artwork that we become amazed and addicted too.
194. Puddles and rain.
195. My parents and siblings.
196. The smell of hair dye and acyrillc nails.
197. Anything and everything to do with the group of kids I hang out with; ATEAM.
198. The connection I have with Brittany Hudson.
199. Getting all worried about silly little things.
200. Anything and everything about my boyfriend.
201. Getting pins and needles, and the after effect.
202. Cold hands on my back.
203. Paper right out of the printer/photocopier.
204. The smell of freshly cut grass.
205. Knowing that one day, everything will be perfect.
206. Being in a brillllllllllllllllllllllllllllliant mood, from the moment you wake up. :D
207. Natural Henna hairdye.
208. Dream dictionaries.
209. British comedy.
210. Book shelves, obviously filled with books.
211. Hand written letters in the mail.
212. Glow in the dark stars.
213. How my Iphone always breaks.
214. To be continued..
1. Waking up in a good mood.
2. Rediscovering things that remind you of old times.
3. Butter and Nutella toast w/ Golden Circle Oj.
4. My Great Grandparents.
5. Daydreaming.
6. Personal jokes.
7. Cheap, good-tasting fast food.
8. Girlosophy books.
9. Watching the clouds go by.
10. Getting mail.
11. Friends and family.
12. Knowing what path I want to take in life.
13. Achieving something you’ve been working at for a really long time.
14. Not being a girly girl.
15. Being a girly girl.
16. Unintentional flirting.
17. My favourite bands.
18. Finding money in the pockets of clothing.
19. Being able to drive.
20. Being trusted.
21. Going through the car wash just so I can watch the water trickle down the window.
22. Accents.
23. People who are truly unique.
24. Anything to do with comedy.
25. Warm fuzzys.
26. Keep-safe’s.
27. Making a difference.
28. Reading my horoscope everyday.
29. Finding that one amazing song that can somehow seem to relate to you at that exact moment in your life.
30. Never capturing Kodak moments, but keeping the memory.
31. My parents, and siblings.
32. The cold side of the pillow.
33. Finding the perfect outfit
34. Pop rock with soft drinks.
35. Perfect weathered days.
36. Being understood.
37. Wii.
38. When everything feels perfect.
39. The view from the top of Mt. Lofty.
40. Instantly getting along with people.
41. My iphone.
42. Vintage stuff.
43. Capturing the perfect photo.
44. Live gigs.
45. Laughing, and talking to myself.
46. Intelligent, articulate people.
47. Having the last say.
48. My dog, Pepper.
49. Karma.
50. Cuddles.
51. The thrill of rollercoasters.
52. Getting butterflies.
53. Smiling for no particular reason.
54. Hello’s from complete strangers.
55. Candles.
56. My best friends.
57. Coffee dates.
58. Really creative, and inspiring artwork.
59. Early morning texts.
60. Alone time.
61. Non-judgemental people.
62. Going out of my way to know that my friends are happy.
63. Any episode of FRIENDS, Flight of the Conchords, Mighty Boosh, Scrubs, or That 70’s Show.
64. The 90’s.
65. Being a senior at school.
66. Traveling.
67. Surprises.
68. Change.
69. Making tents out of sheets, and having picnics with my brother.
70. Coca cola flavoured chuppa chups.
71. Movie nights.
72. Scents that make your nose tickle.
73. Nintendo ds.
74. Nintendo 64.
75. Watching skaters.
76. Boys that can play guitar.
77. Honey tea on cold mornings.
78. Getting an A for something in school.
79. Early morning coffee conversations with mum.
80. Knowing that I’m cared about.
81. My mums home-made pastina when im feeling unwell.
82. Awkward moments.
83. OCD's.
84. Flash backs.
85. Youtube, Myspace, Google.
86. God, Jesus.
87. Good actors/actress'.
88. Walking, when it suddenly starts to rain.
89. Cute old people.
90. My bed.
91. Being true to myself.
92. People that have strong beliefs and morals.
93. Family outtings.
94. Chicken cave.
95. My top friends.
96. Not caring with others think.
97. 11:11, and other times with the same digits.
98. Poets and poems.
99. Dreams that seem real.
100.The way you can make funny noises with virtually any part of your body.
101. Falling asleep upside down on my bed.
102. Getting a whiff of someone’s sweet smelling perfume.
103. My car.
104. Playing music so loud that you can place your hand on your chest, and feel the vibrations.
105. Writing.
106. The little white lines that come up when you scratch your leg or arm.
107. Eating ice all the time.
108. Walking places.
109. Temple massages.
110. Visiting cemeteries.
111. Pure Pearl Revlon nail polish.
112. Compliments from strangers.
113. Long country drives.
114. Being the only person awake in the house.
115. Collecting things.
116. Feng Shui.
117. Music in general.
118. History.
119. The Japanese culture.
120. Spontaneous decisions.
121. Laughing fits.
122. How competitive my family gets when we play board games, and spoons.
123. Knowing that you made the right decision.
124. Saving my own money for something I really want.
125. Local artists.
126. Adelaide.
127. Laying on the trampoline on nice weathered days, reminiscing over old memories.
128. Karaoke.
129. People with really good facial bone structures.
130. Writing, and finding little messages to friends.
131. Drives with Elly.
132. The way Chloe and I never have awkward moments.
133. Laying in the arms of someone you know who cares about you.
134. Bath bombs.
135. Bike rides down the lake.
136. The feeling you get when you go fishing, really early in the morning.
137. Watching my two younger siblings grow up.
138. Noticing similarities of myself in others.
139. My heroes.
140. The fact that it is physically impossible for me to become a vegetarian in my household.
141. Singing a song, when someone else joins in.
142. Protrusive collarbones.
143. Falling asleep at school.
144. Spinny desk chairs.
145. The static that’s caused when you first turn on the television, makes your hair all clingy to the screen.
146. Ringgy ears, trying to listen to the ring to hear different sounds within it.
147. ‘Zooming out’, when you’re staring/concentrating on something for a long time and your eyes go all weird and everything looks like its all spaced out and stuff.
148. The smell of the water in the water bottles at the hair dressers.
149. To do lists.
150. Lurking.
151. Loooooooong drives with friends.
152. The little things about my family i take for granted, eg;
153. My Nonnos weekly attemps at weight loss.
154. The little things my mum does that we don't even realise.
155. My dads pathetic, yet hilarious humor.
156. Never being able to win an argument with my Nonno.
157. And everything else! etc etc etc.
158. Fresh sheets on my bed.
159. The constant need to nap.
160. When i fall asleep with my makeup on, and in the morning it's comes out looking really good.
161. Having the perfect life.
162. Clean skin, Straight teeth.
163. Watching inspiring movies.
164. Always making plans with Allyica and never actually going through with them.
165. Guitar hero comps.
166. Remembering lyrics or dance moves to a song from the 90's.
167. Waking up and not feeling tired.
168. The urge to dance when you hear a good song.
169. The fact it's impossible to find a non-sexual metaphor.
170. The sound when you open up a bottle of soft drink.
171. Playing copy cat.
172. Wii nights with friends.
173. Being emotionally connected with friends and family.
174. Inspiration.
175. Falling asleep while someones talking to you.
176. The fact that Jack Newlyn is petrified of snakes and balloons.
177. Keeping everything.
178. Mr Zammit and Miss Babic.
179. Going to any extend to make my friends smile.
180. Always being cold.
181. Continuous forehead kisses when I feel sick.
182. Honesty and trust.
183. How my hair always naturally goes ranga brown.
184. New/clean sheets.
185. Gooseprickle moments.
186. Not being able to say words properly.
187. When Elly randomly comes down.
188. The fact that I am actaully always sick.
189. SAY ANYTHING- the band.
190. Religion in general.
191. Blues, Jazz music.
192. 'What if..?' moments.
193. Wondering what authors, artists were thinking/going through when they created a song/piece of artwork that we become amazed and addicted too.
194. Puddles and rain.
195. My parents and siblings.
196. The smell of hair dye and acyrillc nails.
197. Anything and everything to do with the group of kids I hang out with; ATEAM.
198. The connection I have with Brittany Hudson.
199. Getting all worried about silly little things.
200. Anything and everything about my boyfriend.
201. Getting pins and needles, and the after effect.
202. Cold hands on my back.
203. Paper right out of the printer/photocopier.
204. The smell of freshly cut grass.
205. Knowing that one day, everything will be perfect.
206. Being in a brillllllllllllllllllllllllllllliant mood, from the moment you wake up. :D
207. Natural Henna hairdye.
208. Dream dictionaries.
209. British comedy.
210. Book shelves, obviously filled with books.
211. Hand written letters in the mail.
212. Glow in the dark stars.
213. How my Iphone always breaks.
214. To be continued..
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
#101
Lets see how many i can get.
Things you might not know about me:
1. I'm actually so tired to sit here and do this right now, I'll finish it later. toodles.
Things you might not know about me:
1. I'm actually so tired to sit here and do this right now, I'll finish it later. toodles.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
#97
i hate having money cash in hand, i feel obliged to spend it, so i do.
now that im looking back, there's so much more awesome things i could've spent it on.
but then again, sale at globalise! every under thirty bucks - definitely not a misser!
now that im looking back, there's so much more awesome things i could've spent it on.
but then again, sale at globalise! every under thirty bucks - definitely not a misser!
Monday, December 21, 2009
#96
'I woke up feeling wiped out. God knows where I've been all night, but my feet hurt. Outside my window, a phenomenon is taking place. The sun and moon hang side-by-side over the water. Two sides of the same coin. I climb from bed slowly, much as an old man might maneuver from his musty bed in midwinter, finding it difficult for a moment even to make water. I tell myself that has to be a temporary condition. In a few years, no problem. But when I look out the window again, there's a sudden swoop of feeling. Once more I'm arrested with the beauty of this place. I was lying if I ever said anything to the contrary. I move closer to the glass and see it's happened between this thought and that. The moon is gone. Set, at last.'
I'm Bianca, intrigue me.
I'm Bianca, intrigue me.
#95
'Of what we are not sure is the only constant in life, because it is certain that we are not sure. All that we really know is of what we do not know, which is everything. The only thing that we can rely on is uncertainty, which isn't very reliable. What is is what is meant to be, and no matter how much that point is argued, it will not change because we are past the point of revolution. We are past the stage where the world is going to change for the better, because it's all been heard before but we still refuse to act on it.'- My hero, Alexandra Garland.
#92
im tired of photos not uploading properly, for fucks sake.
someone buy me the new edition of RANKED magazine, now.
oh, and a pack of kinder surprises.
someone buy me the new edition of RANKED magazine, now.
oh, and a pack of kinder surprises.
#91
to be completely honest, i had planned out word for word what i was going to write in this blog.
it was going to be some massively inspirational lecture about life, and shit- as per usual, but that's besides the point.
now that i sit here, i realise that i actually don't remember not one word, topic, or quote.
it's bullshit.
i think i might start carrying around my diary again, yeah- good idea.
/ties ribbon around finger
it was going to be some massively inspirational lecture about life, and shit- as per usual, but that's besides the point.
now that i sit here, i realise that i actually don't remember not one word, topic, or quote.
it's bullshit.
i think i might start carrying around my diary again, yeah- good idea.
/ties ribbon around finger
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
#88
“There is no way to be truly great in this world. We are all impaled on the crook of conditioning. A fish that is in the water has no choice that he is. Genius would have it that we swim in sand. We are fish and we drown.” -James Dean
“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” -Oscar Wilde
“I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport. I even hoped for a while that she'd throw me over, but she didn't, because she was in love with me too. She thought I knew a lot because I knew different things from her....Well, there I was, way off my ambitions, getting deeper in love every minute, and all of a sudden I didn't care. What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do? Gatsby" -F. Scott Fitzgerald
"Everything has been figured out, except how to live." -Jean-Paul Sartre
"God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny." -Garrison Keillor
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." -E. B. White
"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." -John Burroughs
"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive." -Mel Brooks
“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” -Oscar Wilde
“I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport. I even hoped for a while that she'd throw me over, but she didn't, because she was in love with me too. She thought I knew a lot because I knew different things from her....Well, there I was, way off my ambitions, getting deeper in love every minute, and all of a sudden I didn't care. What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do? Gatsby" -F. Scott Fitzgerald
"Everything has been figured out, except how to live." -Jean-Paul Sartre
"God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny." -Garrison Keillor
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." -E. B. White
"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." -John Burroughs
"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive." -Mel Brooks
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
#85
long story short. i am monotonous.
i come from a family filled with high expectations and morals that i will never, ever meet. i am surrounded by 'friends' who only associate with me for the pure reason that i supply them with pathetic humor for hours on end and the simple fact that i make them feel more confident in themselves. i crave the attention more than anything, because it's the only other form of physical adoration that i receive other than from my boyfriend- who, i believe, has no idea what he's in for. and will one day 'drop me like a hot tamale' because he will soon realise what he got himself into and will wish and hope for every single second of his prodigious life back. i wish he knew just how much i look up to him. how much of an inspiration he is to me. he, has literally changed my life.
i feel like a fish. stuck in a little glass bowl, only getting fed when the owner thinks it's necessary. parents buy 'me' for their kids, so they can somehow help their child to egress out of the 'imaginary friend' phase, that, in turn the child will learn to hide from their parents. over the years, the child will turn to that imaginary friend in the back of their mind for comfort and security when every ounce of supposed 'constructive criticism' gets flown at them like a squash ball. while this poor little, estranged and isolated fish is left with no one but it's own reflection for company. it spends all day, every day of it's godforsaken life looking at its own reflection thinking about what could have been. more than a hollow corpse filled with decade old spider webs and maggots. but no, it is nothing more than the balloon headed fool that it is.
we have no control over life, everything happens for a reason- i get that. but there has to be some way to twart destiny. there has to be a way to interfere with our life journey. to make it the way we want it, not the way it has already been planned. to cheat death, to feel immortal. that's what i want. i want to be more than what i am. because what i am, is nothing. i understand and accept that- to a degree. i just don't think it's fair. why should i have to feel unworthy of everything positive and prodigious that i receive within life. like i'm vile and invaluable. that isn't fair. life isn't fair. human's aren't fair.
i know i'm lazy, and come across as someone who must show no appreciation for anything or anyone that i cross passes with, but i have only become that person because you all made me believe that is the kind of person i have to become to get by in this shit whole. so yes, i am blaming this on you. because growing up, as a child and during adolescences we have no idea who we are. we become nothing more than a walking mosaic. chips of tiles of everyone we have ever met. anything we have ever loved. anything we have ever hated. that is who we are. nothing more, nothing less. no one is in the slightest an individual.
i wish i could find the slightest glimpse of confidence within myself. it doesn't reside anywhere. trust me, i've looked. and for the slightest second that i think i may have found some- within 3 minutes it comes crashing down, yet again. just like that feeling of enduring through your first hail storm alone- scared shitless. that very first shot of straight vodka that burns your throat and eyes, but you know you want more because underneath the short, sharp pain, comes the drunk. the uncontrollable, amazingly happy (for a moment or two) self. the drunk self that helps to forget every worry in the world, just only for an hour or so. or that feeling you get when you get caught cheating on a test by the teacher. you didn't even know she was standing behind you, and as soon as you hear her voice- your heart, within a matter of seconds shoots straight up into your throat. short gasps for air, that feel like your last because your heart is pounding so god-damn hard, that there is hardly any room what so every for the slightest amount of oxygen to pass through. you just can't seem to get rid of it. that is exactly what it feels like to have everything you build up in yourself come crashing down right in front of you. but instead of just a few seconds of this ghastly, unbearable feeling, it last's your entire life.
to know that you are nothing more than a failure, a mistake, worthless and invaluable to everything within life makes you feel literally, like a piece of shit. and i absolutely love it.
i come from a family filled with high expectations and morals that i will never, ever meet. i am surrounded by 'friends' who only associate with me for the pure reason that i supply them with pathetic humor for hours on end and the simple fact that i make them feel more confident in themselves. i crave the attention more than anything, because it's the only other form of physical adoration that i receive other than from my boyfriend- who, i believe, has no idea what he's in for. and will one day 'drop me like a hot tamale' because he will soon realise what he got himself into and will wish and hope for every single second of his prodigious life back. i wish he knew just how much i look up to him. how much of an inspiration he is to me. he, has literally changed my life.
i feel like a fish. stuck in a little glass bowl, only getting fed when the owner thinks it's necessary. parents buy 'me' for their kids, so they can somehow help their child to egress out of the 'imaginary friend' phase, that, in turn the child will learn to hide from their parents. over the years, the child will turn to that imaginary friend in the back of their mind for comfort and security when every ounce of supposed 'constructive criticism' gets flown at them like a squash ball. while this poor little, estranged and isolated fish is left with no one but it's own reflection for company. it spends all day, every day of it's godforsaken life looking at its own reflection thinking about what could have been. more than a hollow corpse filled with decade old spider webs and maggots. but no, it is nothing more than the balloon headed fool that it is.
we have no control over life, everything happens for a reason- i get that. but there has to be some way to twart destiny. there has to be a way to interfere with our life journey. to make it the way we want it, not the way it has already been planned. to cheat death, to feel immortal. that's what i want. i want to be more than what i am. because what i am, is nothing. i understand and accept that- to a degree. i just don't think it's fair. why should i have to feel unworthy of everything positive and prodigious that i receive within life. like i'm vile and invaluable. that isn't fair. life isn't fair. human's aren't fair.
i know i'm lazy, and come across as someone who must show no appreciation for anything or anyone that i cross passes with, but i have only become that person because you all made me believe that is the kind of person i have to become to get by in this shit whole. so yes, i am blaming this on you. because growing up, as a child and during adolescences we have no idea who we are. we become nothing more than a walking mosaic. chips of tiles of everyone we have ever met. anything we have ever loved. anything we have ever hated. that is who we are. nothing more, nothing less. no one is in the slightest an individual.
i wish i could find the slightest glimpse of confidence within myself. it doesn't reside anywhere. trust me, i've looked. and for the slightest second that i think i may have found some- within 3 minutes it comes crashing down, yet again. just like that feeling of enduring through your first hail storm alone- scared shitless. that very first shot of straight vodka that burns your throat and eyes, but you know you want more because underneath the short, sharp pain, comes the drunk. the uncontrollable, amazingly happy (for a moment or two) self. the drunk self that helps to forget every worry in the world, just only for an hour or so. or that feeling you get when you get caught cheating on a test by the teacher. you didn't even know she was standing behind you, and as soon as you hear her voice- your heart, within a matter of seconds shoots straight up into your throat. short gasps for air, that feel like your last because your heart is pounding so god-damn hard, that there is hardly any room what so every for the slightest amount of oxygen to pass through. you just can't seem to get rid of it. that is exactly what it feels like to have everything you build up in yourself come crashing down right in front of you. but instead of just a few seconds of this ghastly, unbearable feeling, it last's your entire life.
to know that you are nothing more than a failure, a mistake, worthless and invaluable to everything within life makes you feel literally, like a piece of shit. and i absolutely love it.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
#83
'you are amazing.
i tell you what.
if you get old. and you are still alone. and i am still alone. we will buy a little house. and get a bunch of cats (maybe a monkey. seriiously i hear you can own them) and we will just bum it out. playing music. and being amazing.
because i love you back.
and i promise you.
you meet me one day.
i keep my promises.
even if i have to get on a plane and fly all the way out to the land down under. i will do it.
just for you my dear. just for you.'
i love her.
i tell you what.
if you get old. and you are still alone. and i am still alone. we will buy a little house. and get a bunch of cats (maybe a monkey. seriiously i hear you can own them) and we will just bum it out. playing music. and being amazing.
because i love you back.
and i promise you.
you meet me one day.
i keep my promises.
even if i have to get on a plane and fly all the way out to the land down under. i will do it.
just for you my dear. just for you.'
i love her.
Friday, December 11, 2009
#81
I hate the fact that beauty and colour are now one in the same.
People forget how to decipher the two.
Such imbecilic morons.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
#79
there's something about this song that completely captivates me.
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show
Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker
How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show
Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker
Monday, November 30, 2009
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