#98

there's more underneath than just the skin we see.

#97

i hate having money cash in hand, i feel obliged to spend it, so i do.
now that im looking back, there's so much more awesome things i could've spent it on.
but then again, sale at globalise! every under thirty bucks - definitely not a misser!

#96

'I woke up feeling wiped out. God knows where I've been all night, but my feet hurt. Outside my window, a phenomenon is taking place. The sun and moon hang side-by-side over the water. Two sides of the same coin. I climb from bed slowly, much as an old man might maneuver from his musty bed in midwinter, finding it difficult for a moment even to make water. I tell myself that has to be a temporary condition. In a few years, no problem. But when I look out the window again, there's a sudden swoop of feeling. Once more I'm arrested with the beauty of this place. I was lying if I ever said anything to the contrary. I move closer to the glass and see it's happened between this thought and that. The moon is gone. Set, at last.'

I'm Bianca, intrigue me.

#95

'Of what we are not sure is the only constant in life, because it is certain that we are not sure. All that we really know is of what we do not know, which is everything. The only thing that we can rely on is uncertainty, which isn't very reliable. What is is what is meant to be, and no matter how much that point is argued, it will not change because we are past the point of revolution. We are past the stage where the world is going to change for the better, because it's all been heard before but we still refuse to act on it.'- My hero, Alexandra Garland.

#94

i miss her. i miss this.
i miss then.

#93

i realised today tha#9ven't eaten banana bread since that day.

#92

im tired of photos not uploading properly, for fucks sake.

someone buy me the new edition of RANKED magazine, now.
oh, and a pack of kinder surprises.

#91

to be completely honest, i had planned out word for word what i was going to write in this blog.
it was going to be some massively inspirational lecture about life, and shit- as per usual, but that's besides the point.
now that i sit here, i realise that i actually don't remember not one word, topic, or quote.
it's bullshit.
i think i might start carrying around my diary again, yeah- good idea.

/ties ribbon around finger

#90

nostalgia is taking over..

#89

This, is the greatest man that ever lived.

..Obviously besides Max Bemis.

#88

“There is no way to be truly great in this world. We are all impaled on the crook of conditioning. A fish that is in the water has no choice that he is. Genius would have it that we swim in sand. We are fish and we drown.” -James Dean

“A man who is master of himself can end a sorrow as easily as he can invent a pleasure. I don't want to be at the mercy of my emotions. I want to use them, to enjoy them, and to dominate them.” -Oscar Wilde

“I can't describe to you how surprised I was to find out I loved her, old sport. I even hoped for a while that she'd throw me over, but she didn't, because she was in love with me too. She thought I knew a lot because I knew different things from her....Well, there I was, way off my ambitions, getting deeper in love every minute, and all of a sudden I didn't care. What was the use of doing great things if I could have a better time telling her what I was going to do? Gatsby" -F. Scott Fitzgerald

"Everything has been figured out, except how to live." -Jean-Paul Sartre

"God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny." -Garrison Keillor

"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." -E. B. White

"I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see." -John Burroughs

"Look, I don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive you've got to flap your arms and legs, you've got to jump around a lot, for life is the very opposite of death, and therefore you must at very least think noisy and colorfully, or you're not alive." -Mel Brooks

#87

not every one's as lucky as you, bitch

#86

moral of the story: don't fucking smoke.

#85

long story short. i am monotonous.
i come from a family filled with high expectations and morals that i will never, ever meet. i am surrounded by 'friends' who only associate with me for the pure reason that i supply them with pathetic humor for hours on end and the simple fact that i make them feel more confident in themselves. i crave the attention more than anything, because it's the only other form of physical adoration that i receive other than from my boyfriend- who, i believe, has no idea what he's in for. and will one day 'drop me like a hot tamale' because he will soon realise what he got himself into and will wish and hope for every single second of his prodigious life back. i wish he knew just how much i look up to him. how much of an inspiration he is to me. he, has literally changed my life.

i feel like a fish. stuck in a little glass bowl, only getting fed when the owner thinks it's necessary. parents buy 'me' for their kids, so they can somehow help their child to egress out of the 'imaginary friend' phase, that, in turn the child will learn to hide from their parents. over the years, the child will turn to that imaginary friend in the back of their mind for comfort and security when every ounce of supposed 'constructive criticism' gets flown at them like a squash ball. while this poor little, estranged and isolated fish is left with no one but it's own reflection for company. it spends all day, every day of it's godforsaken life looking at its own reflection thinking about what could have been. more than a hollow corpse filled with decade old spider webs and maggots. but no, it is nothing more than the balloon headed fool that it is.

we have no control over life, everything happens for a reason- i get that. but there has to be some way to twart destiny. there has to be a way to interfere with our life journey. to make it the way we want it, not the way it has already been planned. to cheat death, to feel immortal. that's what i want. i want to be more than what i am. because what i am, is nothing. i understand and accept that- to a degree. i just don't think it's fair. why should i have to feel unworthy of everything positive and prodigious that i receive within life. like i'm vile and invaluable. that isn't fair. life isn't fair. human's aren't fair.

i know i'm lazy, and come across as someone who must show no appreciation for anything or anyone that i cross passes with, but i have only become that person because you all made me believe that is the kind of person i have to become to get by in this shit whole. so yes, i am blaming this on you. because growing up, as a child and during adolescences we have no idea who we are. we become nothing more than a walking mosaic. chips of tiles of everyone we have ever met. anything we have ever loved. anything we have ever hated. that is who we are. nothing more, nothing less. no one is in the slightest an individual.

i wish i could find the slightest glimpse of confidence within myself. it doesn't reside anywhere. trust me, i've looked. and for the slightest second that i think i may have found some- within 3 minutes it comes crashing down, yet again. just like that feeling of enduring through your first hail storm alone- scared shitless. that very first shot of straight vodka that burns your throat and eyes, but you know you want more because underneath the short, sharp pain, comes the drunk. the uncontrollable, amazingly happy (for a moment or two) self. the drunk self that helps to forget every worry in the world, just only for an hour or so. or that feeling you get when you get caught cheating on a test by the teacher. you didn't even know she was standing behind you, and as soon as you hear her voice- your heart, within a matter of seconds shoots straight up into your throat. short gasps for air, that feel like your last because your heart is pounding so god-damn hard, that there is hardly any room what so every for the slightest amount of oxygen to pass through. you just can't seem to get rid of it. that is exactly what it feels like to have everything you build up in yourself come crashing down right in front of you. but instead of just a few seconds of this ghastly, unbearable feeling, it last's your entire life.

to know that you are nothing more than a failure, a mistake, worthless and invaluable to everything within life makes you feel literally, like a piece of shit. and i absolutely love it.

#84

i am in need of one MASSIVE blog entry.
but i guess it'll have to wait till tonight.
gagnammit.

#83

'you are amazing.
i tell you what.
if you get old. and you are still alone. and i am still alone. we will buy a little house. and get a bunch of cats (maybe a monkey. seriiously i hear you can own them) and we will just bum it out. playing music. and being amazing.
because i love you back.
and i promise you.
you meet me one day.
i keep my promises.
even if i have to get on a plane and fly all the way out to the land down under. i will do it.
just for you my dear. just for you.'

i love her.

#82

come home, then.
home to me.

#81

I hate the fact that beauty and colour are now one in the same.
People forget how to decipher the two.
Such imbecilic morons.

#80

#79

there's something about this song that completely captivates me.

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and I'll just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep, totally free
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker